Three months ago life as I knew it change, an accident happened, no longer am I invincible. The concept of being selfish to me is like a bad word I've always equated it with being wrong. That maybe if I thought of myself first I would disappoint someone or something. My entire life I've given to others without batting an eye. Now it's a different story.
I went from having tons of energy, doing two-a-day workouts, playing sports to lying in bed all night/day in immense pain with little to no resolve, no energy to deal. For months now I've averaged 1-4 hours of sleep a night if I sleep at all. The stabbing and throbbing pain has been unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. The toll this has taken on my body physically is understandable but the mental and emotional toll is worse some days then the physical pain.
Not being able to do simple tasks that I could do with ease before angers me to no end. Cooking, a huge love of mine is reduced to 15-20 minute sessions while icing and medicating to be able to even stand that long. Same with running errands or being out with friends. I have to time how long I can last, basically give myself a window hoping that each time I can endure a little more. Needless to say I don't get out much anymore because each time I get a cruel reminder that I'm not the same Chelsea anymore.
Working out is non-existent at this point. Some days I feel as if maybe I can do a little exercise (by little I mean authorized therapeutic stretches) yet the crushing reality of my situation rears it's ugly head and I'm again lying in bed icing, feeling like shit. Being told by several medical professionals that I will never get back to my 'old self', won't be able to play contact sports, if any sports again is enough to make any person, less an athlete like me break down. I could lie and say that I've taken this all in stride, been in good spirits with a go-getter attitude but I haven't. No one likes being told they can't do something that they once excelled at.
I'm stubborn if you haven't noticed and will be the first to admit it. I'm also very independent and capable. Three things that don't mix well with a severe back injury. Having to rely on others for anything is not easy. I've had to rely on myself for so long that entrusting someone with something as small an a meaningless task is hard. It sounds stupid and childish, which it is I'm aware, but there are very few I trust.
One of the hardest things through all of this has been dealing with my family and friends. The wash of helplessness that blankets their faces when then see me cripple over in pain as I go straight to the floor hugging my knees, eyes closed, with controlled breathing. Empty conversations, people not knowing what to say. I never want to burden people with my problems and I don't want the added stress of knowing they feel like they can't help me, it's weighs on my conscience.
A characteristic that many identify me with is strength; being a strong person physically, mentally, emotionally. I've always known I've possessed a great deal of it. Everyday I attain a new level of it. Strength in coping with the pain. Strength in keeping a sane logical mind throughout all of this. Strength in allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling and not letting it get me down all the time. It's takes a great effort to smile, laugh, be positive when all I want to do is curl up in bed. It's exhausting. All I want is relief.
The mind is such a powerful thing, many don't realize it's potential. It has the capacity to heal, to mask, to create the world you want. We often don't realize that the things we think about have an energy, one that constantly communicates with the universe. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it....a statement so honest yet many don't understand what it's true meaning is. It really means that although you get your wish it may not be in the capacity that you thought it would be.
For example someone may want a relationship to work, they focus so hard on getting what 'they' want, that they disregard all the signs and don't realize that they aren't getting that relationship. I've experienced this many times asking for calm, for rest, for time to write, time to paint...wish granted darlin'. It has never been in the way I have imagined, especially now, but every time I learn a great life lesson.
I'm learning I need to take care of me first. Even though I was physically, I wasn't emotionally and mentally. I wasn't using all my creative and artistic talents to balance my life and center myself. Funny thing is I actually started this blog five months ago but never posted anything. I'm a born communicator and writer. I abandoned such an integral part of who I am and for what? I became afraid of my talent, afraid of some self imposed responsibility I felt to continue to impress and produce so I ran from it. I threw myself into my 'paying' job and kinda flipped the bird to everything else. Asleep at the wheel so to speak.
I will get better. I will get the life I want...Universe I received your message whether or not I wanted to listen and this is what I've gathered. I'm awake.
